cydne_cyanide

Obviously, by the subject, life hasn't been all that great for me. It seems like everything is fucking up just when I need things to be as easy and stress-free as possible. Where do I even start? So much is going wrong that I'm ready to give up and go into the military and be a 5 foot 6 mindless killing machine. I guess the only place to start would be at the beginning.... *shimmers into flashback*

LOL. Ok. I'm way too goofy for my own good. I'm just gonna tell it normally.

So, my boyfriend dumped me. Yea it's not the worst thing in the world and yea I know it happens to everyone, but this is my first love and I'm really hurt. The worst part is that it was a long distance relationship and I can't even bitch him out the way I want to. We were together for 10 months and broke up about 2 weeks after he started school again. I felt like he was acting differently and wasn't treating me he same or giving me the same amount of attention so I tried to talk to him about and it. He told me I was overreacting and I "think too much." What the hell!? How can you think too much? Sometimes I'm sure he'd have rathered I not think at all so I could be a mindless sex drone. Well fuck that. I told him exactly what I thought about that and his response was "fuck you so fucking much" and then he signed off of AIM. So that was basically the end of that. We rarely talk anymore but we did talk a few days ago and I asked why we couldn't get back together and he said "distance killed the relationship", but he claims to still love me. What I don't understand is how distance killed the relationship. It's been long distance thru the entire10 month period and he never mentioned anything about it. I find it hard to believe. I think he just found another girl. One that's stupid with huge fucking tits and a blank barbie smile that won't oppose him on anything and will suck his dick anytime he asks. But it's ok. I'm getting my ranting out now, so that maybe I can at least have a civil conversation with him. I read this quote online and I actually said this to him just so he would realize exactly how much he had hurt me. I think he sucks but I can't really do anything about it because he has no desire to be my boyfriend anymore. But he still wants me to move in with him! I really don't see that happening. I won't be his live-in sex toy! So screw him. He can fuck himself or any slut he wants from now on because I don't fucking care. I'm putting my love for him aside and at thin point he is just another guy.

Sadly, I've been kicked out of school. Even more sad, it's my senior year. Even, even more sad, I've already bought a class shirt, but at least I haven't paid my senior dues yet. It's not even my fault I got kicked out. I got suspended because one of the security guards saw me coming into school and told my assistant principal I was trying to leave, which is a lie. So, he tells me I can't come back until a parent brings me back. That was 2 weeks ago. I finally tell my parents last night that I got suspended and they have to take me back and my mother says no! She said she doesn't expect me to graduate anyway so there's no point. She said my best bet would be the military. And my father said I have to convince him that I actually want to be in school or he's not doing it either. Great parents. That's the thing to tell your kid. If you're trying to crush a kid's motivation for anything, tell them that they're going to end up on maury looking for the deadbeat father of their babies and that they should give up on high school all together and get a GED and go into the military. Now if I was a different type of person, that would have been enough for me to pull the trigger and end it all...but I'm not. I am extremely gifted with the amazing ability to not give a flying, tap-dancing fuck about what anybody thinks of me. So, I may still end up going into the military, but I guarantee I will make five times what my pathetic mother makes in a year. So fuck her. She can shove it. I'll live my own life and when I get out of the military I'll still make money because of the simple fact that I ever went! Not like my mother, wh if laid off, would be reduced to the gutter if my father decided she was too much of a bitch and he didn't want to take care of her. So GED and military, here I come!

Let's see...what else if fucked up about my life? Oh yea. My mother is on a constant mission to kick me out of the house. So far if my brother's iPod goes missing, if it even looks like I've been in her room without permission, if I stay out without calling to say where I am, and  if anything goes missing from the house are all reasons I could be kicked out on my ass. My mother is an undiagnosed bipolar paranoid-schizophrenic, but because I'm taking psychology I see the signs. She always thinks I'm out to get her even if what I'm doing has nothing to do with her. She changes personalities at the drop of a hat. She can be perfectly calm one moment and if someone forgets to close the shower curtain she completely spazzes out. It's ridiculous. I kinda just try to avoid her, but she comes looking for me so she can reach her weekly bug the shit out of me quota. She is fucking crazy and doesn't care who knows it. I'm surprised she hasn't been fired from her job for incompetence and mental instability.

I guess that's pretty much it for today. I'm gonna go watch the new Foamy cartoon from Jim Ian Mathers. Check it out on www.illwillpress.com or on their youtube channel jimathers. They are funny as hell!

Oh my god. I know my brother doesn't even know that LJ exists but I really REALLY wish he would read this. My brother got his first cell phone a few months ago. It's a Samsung Rant. The keytones on this phone are the most annoying fucking things I have ever heard in my life. Whenever he hits a number the phone actually says the number in a high pitched, peppy woman's voice And no matter what button you push there is always some irritating sound that goes with it. And it's loud as hell. My brother's room is right next to mine and I hate when he stays up late messing with his phone. It's so loud I can hear it clearly through the wall. Last night, I finally just turned it off. I've been asking him since he got it to do that but he refused. Once he actually came into my room and started hitting random buttons on his phone at 3:30 in the morning to keep me awake. I threw a phone charger at him and then pushed him out of my room, then slammed and locked the door.

Do you ever feel sometimes like everything you want in life is being taken away from you one by one? That's kinda what I've been feeling lately. First my phone broke. It won't play anything in the left headphone and I know it's the phone since the headphones work perfectly. Then my computer broke. It won't even turn on. It sits there everyday, just mocking me with it's existence.

     As I said in the title, the internet can be annoying as fuck sometimes. Websites can be bitchier than the most annoying girl when she's on her period and cramping. My account on emoearth.com got completely fucked up and the site Admin Benji won't fucking do anything about it. All my info on my profile has been completely deleted and for some reason I can't even save it when I tried to type it again. I had over 100 groups on the site and 3 that I made and ran and they all got DELETED!!! It took a fucking long time to add all those groups and alot of them were really cool and I most likely will never get them back. This is the kinda stuff that pisses me off. So now my emoearth which i love more than my myspace is all fucked up and it aggravates me just to be on the site. So I don't know what to say.
    And for internet in general, depending on who provides it, it may suck ass completely. Like I have AOL. yes yes I know, you're all laughing your fucking asses off and rolling on the floor. But it's my dads fault. Anyway, my internet, before my comp died was guaranteed to go out at least once a day. I never knew when it would happen. I just knew it was coming. it really sucks when it cuts off right in the middle of me doing something. My comp was slow as hell already before and it sucks when I'm waiting for a page to load and my internet shuts off on me. Internet is so amazing and wonderful and fucking horrible all at the same time. I don't know what I'd do without the internet even though I bash it all the time. I would say more but I was multitasking while I wrote this and I'm not feeling in such a ranting mood as I was when I started. So I'm going to end this here. Later all my sexy bitches!

Well my computer died on Tuesday... It had an advanced case of comp cancer. And i kind of starting abusing it tat day. Those two things caused it"s heart to finally give out and die. I'm using my godsister's  acer mimi laptop and it's actually pretty cool. I'm gonna get one in black. My phone has been fucking up too lately. It's running way slower and my videos never want to work anymore. II really hate that, but what can you do?  I'm getting so tired of all my so called "technological advances." They cost so many hundreds of dollars for them not to work or crap out on you just when you need them. The worst case scenario, yours works completely perfect and you are incredibly happy with it and it gets STOLEN from you right after you get all your information and files on there. It's reallhy annoying. i had a brand new black IPod nano for about 3 weeks before someone in my English class stole it. It really sucks. I would go back to like the stone ages and use smoke signals to communicte but i can't live without my cell phone and texting. I spend all day texting my boyfriend and I spend all night talking to him on the phone. I need to be able to do that. Damn you technology...you win again. 

OK. Well it's about 2:30 am where I live on the East Coast. I just woke up because I fell asleep too early while talk ing to Vaan on the phone. I'm actually still kinda pissed from earlier. I just found out I may not be able to go to Job Corps which is completely soul-crushing seeing as that was my plan for the rest of my life. I was gonna go to Job Corps and then get a job. Vaan was even gona move here so he could go to Job Corps with me and I wouldn't be stuck in the program with no one to talk to. I don't really have an interest in my friends anymore and at Job Corps, I'd probably only meet more like them. SInce I've come back from Boston, I really see all the retarded things my friends do and it's not funny anymore. I like all my friends in Boston way better and I only hung out with them for 3 weeks. And my computer is being gay as hell so it keeps freezing and actually like shut down and restarted while I was trying to post earlier. Good thing  for autosaved drafts. My comp actually just froze and unfroze. This thing is so fucking decrepit!!! It really pisses me off because my little brother got a new comp months ago and still didn't get a god damned thing! I can't even get clothes and things I do need, but my mom bought me an ugly, heavy-as-hell, completely useless coat that she knew I would never wear. I don't even neeed it! She was saying my hoody, Vaan gave me wouldn't be warm enough. I wear that hoody everyday , even in the snow and I'm never cold. I said if she got me a windbreaker to wear over it I'd be perfect but she insisted on getting me a coat that was too big and made of leather and like 4inch think fur on the inside. That is so excessive! The day after she bought it for m it was like 60 degrees and hot as hell outside! Even my hoody was too much. And while I'm sitting here typing this, I'm simultaneouly spamming Vaan's cell phone because he won't pick up. I mean, I know he's asleep but who sleeps through their cell phone ringing 14 times the same damn song? And it's not even like he has a phone where if the phone is open it rings quietly. He has a sidekick! Those things ring loud as hell and could wake the dead. I'm getting kind of tired of calling him but I miss him and we always talk at night. I don't get why he won't just answer his phone. I think since he's been dating me his sleep schedule is all fucked up. He used to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now he stays up all day and texts me while I'm at school and he sleeps at night like I do. Only thing is I don't sleep all the way through the night as you can see from this late night/early morning post. So he's catching Z's and I'm up trying to get him to talk to me. For some reason his body will not wake up until 5:30 am anymore. I have no idea why. Yesterday I called him at 5:30 and he called back at 5:45. What's up with that? And my wrist is acting funny. Like it's not cramping up but it'smaking this cracking noise when I bend in and the muscles feel really tight. So I have no idea what's going on with that. I really don't think I've ever hated a voicemail more than I do his. I mean, I love hearing Vaan's voice, especially when he sings, but hearing him say the same words every time I call vexes and irks the hell out of me. And I've been writing this same post for almost half an hour now. I guess it doesn't really count since my comp froze maybe 6 times during this whole process. i don't know know... I'm gonna go tak eoff my jeans and get back in my bed. I'm tired of typing and I'm tired of his fucking voicemail!!!

Last time I checked, the lottery was at $171million dollars. So if I won the lottery, the fist thing I'd do is buy a house in Boston for me and my boyfriend to live in. I think it'd be about 4 or 5 bedrooms because I want 4 kids. And then I'd buy one of those mini laptops and a pair of those really big skull candy headphones, both in black. And I'd get Vaan one if he wanted it too. After all my bills are paid, I'd start donating money. 1million to an animal shelter because I love animals and I hate to see any animal abused. Then I'd donate another million to the homeless, because I would want someone rich to do the same if I was homeless. I'd send money to starving African children so that they don't end up living at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's house. That's a hell worse than death that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'd hire a trained Al-Quaeda assassin to kill my English teacher, Mrs. Wilkinson. I hate her so much and i really wish she would die. I don't know where to find an Al-Quaeda assassin, but I guess I could just do a Google search. And since Vaan is in a band, I think I'd fund their first tour and buy them all new instruments, since I'm friends with everyone in the band anyway. Vaan's dream is to be a musician and a rock star and if I have the money, I'm gonna do anything I can to help him fulfill it. Oh and I'd definitely get a few pairs of those awesome Tripp pants they sell at Hot Topic. Those things are so awesome, I just never have enough money to get a pair. I'd get them, in red and black, purple and black, and all black. I'd buy some some new girl jeans for Vaan, because I'm tired of him stealing mine. I'd like to get to wear my own god damned pants! And my friend Morris is getting some of that kitchen cleaner that's supposed to get rid of stuck on grease. Then maybe he won't be such a greasy Mexican. lol. Just kidding tho. i'm part mexican too, tho I'm only half as mexican as Morris. But I think that's really it. My kids would all have trust funds and get cars as soon as they can drive. They won't get every single thing they want and they will have jobs when they turn 16 but they will have alot and they won't have to steal because their parents won't get it for them like I did and still do.

Hola and greeting to you out in the world of LJ. I am Cydne Cyanide, your not so humble hostess. This entry is basically my bio because I have alot to say and I figure I might as well make it my first post. Well enough about me...let's talk more about me! lol. Anyway, I'm a 16 year old emo girl living in a random place where there are not alot of people like me to be found. Everyday I'm surrounded by conformity, whether it's the people I hang out with or even my own family. I think maybe I'm just too different to belong living here. So I'm moving. Well after my boyfriend turns 18 and gets his apartment... But yea. I hate school like most teenagers, so I just decide I'm not gonna go. I'm going to Job Corps. The only thing is I can't even go until the fall and there's still another 3 months until summer. So yea. It sucks. But that's a whole nother entry that will come some other time. I'm about 5'6" and I wish I could be a little smaller(height and weight) even tho my boyfriend Vaan, who might I add is the most amazing, wonderful, perfect guy in the entire world, says I'm perfect the way I am. Still I don't think it would hurt to maybe cut back on the candy. I have hair that's different shades of brown, reds, and a little blonde in the summer. My eyes are kinda like a chocolate brown that I've been told(by Vaan) are mesmerating.<--(I don't know how to spell the word. Help me SpellCheck!) Everyone tells me I'm random as hell so alot of times my posts will probably go off on a tangent. Eventually I will get back on topic, so just sit back and take the little trip with me. My cell phone is a purple LG Lotus that I call Gerard and I fucking love him to death! He can do so much and whatever he can't do, Vaan can(*wink, wink*). My favorite colors are black, red, and purple. I find sexual innuendo to be hilarious. I'm seriously a sick and twisted individual and depending on what I'm allowed to do there may be some stuff posted that isn't for the faint of heart. I actually go looking for weirss stuff because it interests me. Anything demonic, satanic, religion-related, or just unusual is right up my alley. I'm not religious myself, i'm athiest, but that doesn't mean I'm going to bash religion. Anything about religion I say will be purely my own opinion, or will be back up with facts and pictures if I can get them. Vaan, on the other hand, bashes religion, well religiously. We're alike in alot of ways but I'm just more open-minded. I talk about him alot so I may actually dedicate a post to him. i don't know. Only if he's good, I guess. Umm...this is getting kinda long so I should probably stay on track and finish...I like anime, manga, rock music, metal music, My Chemical Romance, Gerard Way, Pete Wentz, Ozzy Osbourne, and randomness. I fucking love Gerard Way. I'd fucking marry him if I didn't love Vaan so much. Well I'm tired of typing. My pinky is going numb and cramping up. Umm all my posts won't be like this, I actually do talk about stuff. It's not all just random shit as it comes out of my mind. I'm not sure what my next one will be about, but when I figure it out, I'll write about it. Sometimes I'll just post my new poem and I'd love and really appreciate if no one steals what I write. If you wanna use it, please at least ask me first. Or even if you don't credit me when you post it. But that's really it. I'm gonna go lay down in my bed now. It's only about 4 feet away from me and it's calling my name. Oh yea and contact me outside of the site if you want. My number for text and my email are both posted, but please no spamming. If I'm busy, then I'm busy and i'll have to get back to you. Later, all my Lovelies!